


hidden

by amybri2002



Series: pride month!!! [14]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, High School AU, Human AU, Implied homophobia, M/M, talk of breaking up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-14
Updated: 2020-06-14
Packaged: 2021-03-04 06:33:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,489
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24719083
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amybri2002/pseuds/amybri2002
Summary: Virgil has been in a relationship with Patton for a month now, but isn’t sure how much longer he can keep it up whilst closeted.
Relationships: Anxiety | Virgil Sanders/Morality | Patton Sanders
Series: pride month!!! [14]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1769050
Comments: 13
Kudos: 61





	hidden

**Author's Note:**

> it’s day fourteen of pride month!!! today’s prompt was ‘boundaries’. i had a lot of fun with this one tbh, and i’m just a little bit sorry but i hope y’all enjoy!!!

Virgil had been with Patton for a month now, and things were... okay. He was still trying to settle into it. This was his first boyfriend, and, whilst Patton was certainly more experienced, having been in a few relationships himself, they were still trying to figure things out between them. Virgil loved Patton, he really did - he'd known that way before they were even dating, back when he could only ever see them as friends, even Patton knew that Virgil loved him back then. But dating was different than just being friends, and Virgil wasn't sure how much longer he'd be able to keep this up.

Patton was very physical, he always had been, and he was loud and wanted everyone to know just how much Virgil meant to him. And that was fine, it wasn't much different to when they were just friends, but... Virgil was still scared, sort of. He didn't know how any of this worked, didn't know how to give back to Patton, didn't like the way that people were always staring at him. He knew they probably weren't, knew that he was just paranoid, but he still couldn't shake the feeling that every time Patton brushed against him, every time they held hand, every time they embraced, they were being watched. 

It didn't help that Virgil was still very much closeted. Of course, Patton knew, and so did a few of Patton's friends, but Virgil's (all straight, as far as he was aware) friend group had no idea, and neither did his family. Coming out to any of them seemed like a daunting task - he imagined his friends wouldn't care that much, although they did occasionally make 'jokes' that were, well, jokes that didn't exactly give Virgil much faith. And then his family... He couldn't come out to them, not yet, he was terrified that it would go terribly wrong, and he knew his parents feelings about the queer community, and...

He breathed in and out as he walked down the hall, hand in hand with Patton, on their way out the building. A Friday afternoon, the end of the week. The two would usually hang out in the local park on a Friday, as both of Virgil's parents worked late and Patton's younger sister’s friends always went round to his house. What Virgil hadn't been expecting that day was for his other friends to be waiting outside the building for him.

"Virgil!" one said, hopping down from the steps and walking besides him. "You coming to the party tonight?"

Virgil let go of Patton's hand, wiping it against his jeans. "Not tonight, sorry," he mumbled.

His friend seemed disappointed. "Why not?"

"I, um, kinda already have plans?" he said, motioning his head towards Patton, who awkwardly waved at his friend.

"Who's this?"

"This is Patton," Virgil introduced. "We're, uh, we have a science project together." They weren't even in the same science class, but his friend didn't know that. Virgil had to think of some excuse.

"Oh." His friend hummed. "Well, I'll text you tomorrow, yeah? Think we're heading down into town, you should come with."

"Y-Yeah, definitely." Virgil nodded. "Just let me know what's happening."

"Yup." His friend smiled. "See ya!" He walked off, joining Virgil's other friends again. Once Patton and Virgil had left the school gate and turned the corner, he let out a breath.

"Sorry," he said, talking Patton's hand again. "I, um..."

"Why did you tell him we're working on a science project together?" Patton asked, innocently.

"I, uh..." Virgil tapped his fingers on his leg. "He doesn't know."

"You could just tell him we're dating," Patton said.

"No, I- He doesn't know that I'm..." He trailed off.

After a few moments of silence, Patton let out, "Oh." 

"Yeah." They turned into a park, going to sit on their usual bench. 

"Are you planning on telling them?" Patton asked, after a while.

"Not really."

"Oh."

Silence again. Virgil breathed in. Patton seemed to get the idea that Virgil wasn't going to speak anymore. He nuzzled into Virgil's side, as he usually did, and for a moment Virgil relaxed. He felt, for a moment, like the world wasn't watching him, like he could just be himself and nobody would care.

But then he remembered his friend staring at Patton, confused, concerned. He must have seen them holding hands when they walked out the school. What if he'd followed them? What if he was that desperate to know what was going on that he was spying on them now? What if he knew that they were a thing, what would happen to Virgil? Would he be kicked out the friend group? Would he tell his parents? Would he tell the whole school?

Patton kissed Virgil's cheek, and Virgil scooted away, trying not to look at the confused, slightly hurt look on Patton's face.

"I can't do this," Virgil whispered, trying to get his heart rate under control. He knew he probably wasn't being watched, but didn't even want to risk it. He didn't know how much longer he could keep this up, how much longer he could stay hidden when all he wanted to do was hold Patton, allow Patton to show his affection, but he couldn't let go of the anxiety surrounding everything, the fear pulling him down deeper and deeper.

"Can't do what?" Patton asked, moving closer again.

Virgil turned away. He didn't want to look at Patton, couldn't look at Patton when he said this. "This. I... I can't do us. I'm scared, every second of my existence, that one day the wrong person will find out and everything will turn to shit. And I... You don't deserve that. You deserve someone who isn't afraid of the world knowing what goes on between you and them."

Silence, lasting much longer than Virgil was comfortable with. He felt like he could cry. He didn't want to, didn't want Patton to think he was upset, didn't want to hurt Patton. But maybe there was no other way out of this.

"You're not... You're not breaking up with me, are you?"

Virgil could feel himself shaking, and maybe he was going to cry. Brilliant. "I... I don't want to," he admitted, "but... we might have to. I don't know how much longer I can keep this up."

He felt a hand land on his shoulder, and part of him wanted to swipe it away but the other part was just happy for human contact, for warmth, and for a moment his shaking calmed down.

"Is this because you aren't out?" Patton asked. "Because, really, there's no pressure for you to come out, if you aren't ready or if it isn't safe, or..."

Virgil breathed in and out. "I do want to stay with you," he promised. "I just... I just think that it's better for both of us if we..."

"Virgil," Patton said, moving closer again and trying to twist his body around to look Virgil in the eyes. "If... If there's anything I can do at all to help you feel safe in this relationship, you can tell me, y'know?" He smiled, softly, and Virgil melted. He loved Patton's smile. "I know I can be a little much sometimes, so... just tell me, okay? We can work out some boundaries if it makes you feel more comfortable. I don't mind staying hidden, I just... I want to be with you."

Virgil stared at Patton for a while longer, unsure what to do. He didn't want to have to leave Patton, but he also didn't want to be hard work, didn't want to have to force Patton to stop doing everything that he wanted to. Patton deserved so much better than Virgil. But...

"Please, Virgil," Patton said, quietly. "Just tell me, whatever I have to do. I'll do it. I want you to feel safe."

Virgil breathed in. "Are you sure?"

"Yes, Virgil." Patton took his hands, squeezing them tight. "Whatever will make you feel comfortable, just tell me."

Virgil's eyes drifted to the ground. "Public affection is a little much, sometimes," he began, his voice barely above a whisper. "I don't mind in private, do whatever you want in private, but... when there are people around, especially in school, I'd rather you not touch me constantly. Short hugs are fine, and hand holding is okay sometimes, but... kisses and cuddles are..."

Patton nodded. "I get it, Virgil. I understand."

The tips of Virgil's lips tilted up. "Are you sure this is...?"

"It's okay, Virgil," Patton said, smiling. "We don't have to do anything you're uncomfortable with, yeah?"

Virgil smiled. "Yeah. Yeah, thanks."

They stared at each other a moment longer, before Patton hummed. "How about we go back to my house? No one will see us there."

Virgil nodded, a little too quickly. "Yes. Yes, yeah that'd be good."

"I love you, y'know?"

"Yeah. I love you too, Pat."


End file.
